309 pp. Crown Business.
Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time is a book about networking for people who hate networking. It converted me, the most pathological introvert you’ll probably ever know.
At first I wasn’t sure what to expect when I read this book, which was over a year ago. I was at the stage of my life when I felt that my introversion was costing me dearly in terms of personal and social development. I had to break out of my shell. What better book to read than a guide by Keith Ferrazzi, one of the most heavily networked individuals in the business world?
Enlightening as it was, some parts in the book were very difficult for me to relate to. Only a brazen extrovert–someone who gets charged by being around and talking to people–can has as many connections as Ferrazzi does. But, ever so gradually, I realized that the message in this book is much deeper than most business books out there.
Although I no longer remember the specific techniques Ferazzi shares when it comes to building relationships, there are from this book three truths, three gems of wisdom, that have completely embedded themselves into my psyche. They have either manifested themselves to me in my life, or are so in tune with Islamic principles that I cannot help but adopt them. Without a doubt, these realizations have helped me start becoming the best social being I can be.
1. There is no such thing as a separation between the personal and the professional.
Ferrazzi shares a beautiful anecdote where he was sitting at a business dinner, struggling to act happy while his insides were in turmoil. He had recently gotten divorced and his misery was almost too much to bear. He tried making small talk with a woman sitting next to him, with poor results. His depression made the situation even more uncomfortable. Finally, he admitted to the woman what he was going through and apologized for not being himself. He thought the woman would find this level of openness disconcerting. To his surprise, however, she met his revelation with compassion and empathy; she had also been through a divorce. Their conversation became so animated and interesting that others caught on and started sharing their own experiences. In allowing a part of himself to be vulnerable, Ferazzi created a scenario where everyone let their guard down just a little and began to be at ease with one another.
Of course, qualifiers abound. Be prepared for those who don’t care about your personal side. Don’t over share. Respect other people’s privacy.
But the general principle remains the same. Networking is not about throwing your business cards around like confetti. It’s about nurturing meaningful relationships that have some level of trust. Each and every one of Ferrazzi’s connections is somehow personal. You can’t expect your relationships to be meaningful or to withstand the test of time if there isn’t a strong personal element to them. Also, be interesting. Of the two people who are equally qualified to the letter, Ferrazzi shares, professional recruiters will ask themselves: “Which one would I rather be stuck at an airport with?” And they will go with the person who comes to mind.
This made me stop being scared of talking about my beliefs or being myself around non-Muslims or even other Muslims. Now, with non-Muslims I talk about growing up in Saudi Arabia, joke about the fact that I don’t drink, make an emphatic point of my prayer timings. With Muslims, I talk about listening to rock music, discuss variations in interpretations of the divine law, and make smart-alecky, quirky comments without worrying that my jokes will fall flat. Because I’ve always been such an introverted loner, I’ve always been paranoid that people don’t really want to know the real me. But most of the time, they are very, very receptive to me–as a whole.
2. It’s better to give than to receive.
We as Muslims should take this at face value, but the reality is that we don’t. Ferazzi shares an anecdote of Person A who asked Person B to introduce him to Person C in regards to a career prospect. Person B complied. Person A asked again for another introduction to Person D. Person B became skeptical. “I don’t know, I already asked them for two favors, and I’ll be honest, I might be calling in those favors for something else.” Ferrazzi thinks Person B is nuts. It’s not even a matter of being unkind. It’s a matter of understanding that networking is not a zero-sum game. There is always enough to go around, and that we should never hesitate in making our social resources available to others out of fear that they’ll get depleted somehow.
Ferrazzi doesn’t even attribute this to some higher being or spiritual power, although that may well be a part of his personal beliefs. This is something he’s seen in practice. Those who think that there are limited “favors” to be called in end up losing in the long run. They fail to make connections or play matchmaker to potentially successful relationships, and hence fail themselves.
There should be one word screaming in Muslims’ heads as they read all this.
We tend to attribute baraka too much to matters of food and money and not enough to matters of spiritual wealth, knowledge, and relationships. We must always remember that it’s better to give than to receive, not only because it benefits us in this world, but because it does in the afterlife as well. Hell, we should trump even people like Ferrazzi in slaying the zero-sum game outlook on relationships.
Reading about this has given me an even stronger urge to help facilitate growth and relationships whenever I can. The best part is, even though I’m doing it as a Muslim, I find that my efforts are always ultimately channeled back to me by manifold. F’reals.
3. The ideal work/play balance is relative to each individual.
This dude’s insane. He’s pings people across the globe on his Blackberry as he rides his limo to work, exchanges air kisses with Arianna Huffington at cocktail parties, writes, makes appearances, and gets consulted as a relationship expert. And he’s loving it. It doesn’t drain him. It nourishes him.
And that is what Ferazzi says as he closes this book. Some are terribly daunted by the level of social engagement he is involved in and how he is working all the time, and Ferazzi responds by saying that balance is not some magic formula that works for everyone. The idea of balance is completely different for every person, and while you have to be the best social being you can be, no one says that you have to do so in a specific way, or that your idea of balance has to coincide to someone else’s idea in order for you to succeed.
Upon realizing this, I stopped wondering why some people could work all the time and others could socialize all the time, why some people could be so frantically busy and be so happy and why others could be in the same situation and completely unhappy. Each one of us must listen to ourselves and must realize what balance is for us. That’s how Allah made us so beautiful and intricately complex. By making us so different from one another.
Because of the cultural baggage Muslims have to lug around, we end up being confined to expectations of ourselves and others that may not be true to our beings at all. And just like you shouldn’t impose black-and-white definitions on your relationships, don’t divide your life into work-and-play components. Balance means being happy in giving time to all kinds of goals. Ferrazzi’s very comprehensive categories of goals are:
So. Apparently, networking doesn’t suck. Especially if it makes one more of a person of faith, and helps her celebrate and rejoice in the fact that Allah has made people as social animals.